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So, I was writing to a friend who had just returned home from a vacation in France and Germany. I was filling him in on what was happening with me back here in The States. His reply was simple enough, but something went horribly wrong, as you’ll see. I guess this just proves what my Dad told me: “Free advice is worth every penny you pay for it.”
Here are the emails, tell me if you agree.
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6/21/09
Hey Dave,
I hope your vacation was as great as it sounded to me and welcome home to Florida! I always needed an extra day or two to get back into the swing of things following a vacation, so take the time you need. hehehe.
The Chicago area has been having typical July weather already. A week of rain has been followed by a week in the 90s with high humidity (not that YOU would notice, I'm sure). I'm going to have to mow the lawn before it gets too long, but not today - more rain is expected. I should probably get a riding mower with a snow plow attachment for the winter.
Pete
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6/23/09
Pete,
Ok, I’m just using logic here, but you really don’t need a riding mower. No, what you need is a small herd of goats. Now wait a minute before you going thinking I’m Looney, it really makes good sense. During the summer a herd of goats, maybe in our case we’re talking six or seven, could wipe out your grass and with virtually no fuel emission, your neighbors will appreciate your “green” thinking. Remember to remind of that when the breeze shifts and takes the odor of the goats in their direction. Also here is the great thing about goats. Their urine is so tonic is can melt snow, yeah sure it will also kill your grass, but that will save you all the effort next summer.
So, I think you can see I really have your best interest in mind here. Also kids love goats, until they have been bitten by them, so if cute ones come by, move in quickly, before the law suits start. I hope you know you can always come to me for more advice just like this. No, no don’t try to thank me, I’m here for you.
Dave
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8/06/09
Hey Dave,
I'm sorry, but I wasn't able to write sooner. They wouldn't let me online in the county jail and I don't know your street address... although I didn't have any stamps any way.
It started a day or so after I got your last email. The idea of a herd of goats made sense! I have plenty of grass and the goats needed to be fed. Looking back on the events that followed though, it would have been better to rent the goats for a day or two, rather than buying all seven of them. The first day went without a hitch. The goats ate to their hearts' content and then slept in the back yard that night. The next morning, the kids next door (Doug - 8, Emily - 6 and Alice - 5) climbed the fence to play with the "pretty horseys." Doug was trying to climb on one of the goats while the two girls were elated that they found a secret stash of ‘chocolate covered raisins’. I'm not sure how many they ate, but when they puked, it looked like at least a bushel.
Doug road his "horsey" into the ground, and when it keeled over, it landed on his leg. My neighbor, Mike, wasn't real happy when he ran out to see what the trouble was with his son and saw his daughters heaving like college freshmen on dollar-a-beer night. When he saw what his daughters were barfing up, he joined them and lost the better part of two eggs, three bacon strips, toast with jam and about a quart of coffee. Oh yeah, and some OJ.
Then he saw his son's leg wedged under one of the goats. His son had the goat in a headlock and was going for two out of three falls to get his leg back. The goat was already dead. In his attempt to get to his screaming son, Mike slipped in his own mess and landed on a previously living goat. Two down, five to go.
I rushed over to his son and lifted the limp goat off his leg. As I was getting ready to turn and drop the goat carcass, Mike walked up behind me as I was swinging the goat. I slammed the goat's head into Mike's crotch and knocked him onto one of the five remaining goats. The poor little guy was crushed, but at least it broke my neighbor's fall.
In a case of poor judgment, I had Doug get my hose so we could clean up the mess a bit. Big mistake. He turned it on full blast and then chased it around the patio for a couple of minutes before he caught it. Once he had better control of the hose, he hosed down my other neighbor's wash... while she was hanging it. Fortunately, Rose has two boys of her own and she took it in stride. Doug had a death-grip on the hose, so I picked him up and washed the vomit off the patio. Then I tried to clean Mike up as best I could.
Mike, good sport that he is, thanked me and then took the hose from Doug and cleaned up the girls well enough to get them back into their house for baths. Unfortunately, no one was watching the goats and they ran down the driveway and into the street. The beer truck driver swerved to miss the goats, but toppled it over on its side, ending the life of yet another goat and causing the remaining three to run to the park down the street. I grabbed a length of rope and my cane, and hobbled after the goats on my replaced knee. Some teenagers in the park helped me round up the dwindling herd. We tied the rope around their necks and I walked them back to my house.
A Policeman was waiting for me and walked with me to the back yard while I locked up the three goats behind the fence. All the while the Cop was listing the litany of charges that were being filed against me, everything from having too many pets to leaving the scene of an accident. When I tried to explain, he added charges, so I quickly shut up. Then he cuffed me and put me in the back of the squad car for the ride to the DuPage County jail. I called my brother Gerry to bail me out and he gave me a ride back to my place.
We assessed the damage - four dead goats and a tipped over beer truck - full. The driver had gone to call his office, so Gerry and I lifted a few cases and put them in my garage. By a few, I mean 12. Next, we cleaned and dressed the goat carcasses in the garage. Once we were done, we bought a few bags of charcoal and started a fire while we built a spit for the goats. There were too many goats to cook, so we butchered three of them and wrapped them for freezing, then we put them in the freezer in the basement.
Gerry ran home to get his wife and pick up some salad, potato chips and soda on the way back. In the meantime, I invited Mike and his family and Rose and her family over for the cook out. We had a great time.
The next morning I brought the three remaining goats back for a refund, which I applied to my defense fund. The judge smiled all through the proceedings, but I think it was because he knew I was going to jail. He gave me 30 days.
When I was released this morning, they gave me some additional jewelry, too, a manly ankle bracelet with a flashing red light. I only have to wear it for six months... if I’m good.
Oh yeah – the goats cost $105 each, but I could only get back $75 each for the remaining three because they were ‘used’. The beer distributor sued and my homeowner’s insurance covered all but $1,500. I was fined $1,000 by the judge, and my attorney’s fee was $2,300. I’m glad Mike and Rose didn’t sue. So the four goats that I got to keep cost me $5,310, or $29.50 per usable pound of meat.
What have you been up to?
Pete
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I thought it was over, but this afternoon when I checked my email, I found a response from my friend Dave. Rather than trying to explain what he said, here’s his letter.
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8/10/09
Pete,
Thanks for the update and what an interesting story. I appreciate you sharing all those unusual events with me, but I think someone has forgotten the “T” word.
You know, ‘Thanks’. I guess I should be thankful that you didn’t think I had anything to do with your problems. After all, when you consider the alternative, I think you’ll agree, I saved you a fortune and the possibility of more trouble than you stumbled into on your own.
Let me take a minute to explain. First everybody knows that you can’t just buy a riding mower.
Once you begin to look around, whatever testosterone you have left at this advanced age kicks in and you end up buying a high-end John Deer. The X700 Ultimate Tracker surely would be the one you’d chose, don’t you think? You’d probably only need the 48 inch deck, to save a couple of bucks. Add the great four year warranty available for a small up charge and I think you could get out the door for, oh, say $9700. Now you can’t just leave that fine machine sitting out in the elements can you? No, of course not. So you’ll need to build a shed.
Now that you’re retired, you have more time than money, so you ask your good neighbor Mike to help you with that. Does that seem about right? Well sure as heck, right in the middle of the deal, the Building Code Enforcement would come by and somebody forgot to pull a permit. I’m guessing the $500 fine would be a good reminder not to do that again.
Once you get the shed build, you’ll need to run some power to it. Home Depot always has a great sale on 18 gage wire, sure 14 is the proper size, but hey a buck is a buck.
You would have really enjoyed riding that sucker and cruising around the yard, almost makes the job effortless. Now Mike sees you out there and he’s been such a great guy, you mow his lawn too. Hey, as long as you’re out there, how about the guy next to him too? First you’ll need a beer and then you’ll just slip out on the road for a short ride down the street. Bad timing again; Officer Friendly would be doing his rounds and now you’ll need to go to court for DWM. (Drinking while Mowing) Sure you’ll lose your license, but you’re having so much fun riding that mower you don’t go anywhere anymore anyway!
One problem the dealer didn’t tell you about, the blade for the X700 has a tendency to dig into the soil. Damn, right when you rollover that 18 gage too. Those sparks seems innocent enough until you smell something burning and realize that it’s your soft leather tractor seat.
You think quickly and drive the boy right into the shed, jumping off and closing the door shutting off the oxygen and fuel to the small blaze. That’s when the word ‘fuel’ comes back to mind and as you turn to pull the five gallon can out of the shed the whole thing goes up in a fiery ball that flies over the fence and crashes right in front of that beer truck. More bad news, and what’s worse, the beer is too hot to drink.
So once you consider the possibilities of what could have been, I think you’ll have to agree the “T” word should be coming my way soon.
Remember I’m always here for you.
Dave
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8/10/09
Dave,
Thanks, @&$#% thanks!!
Pete
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These are the actual emails between 'Dave' and myself. I changed the names to avoid law suites.
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In reality, this supernatural film based on the book by Aron Coleite, not only kept me entertained but it actually has a plot which is a rarity in movies as of late. The movie is focused around five boys who are the descendants of the Ipswich Colony of Massachusetts who all have an ability known as 'the power' which a covenant was formed to protect. A covenant, for those of you that still haven't learned how to use a dictionary, is an agreement to do or not to do something. This covenant was formed to protect themselves against persecution in the time of the witchtrials.